As I said in my previous post I have a lot to update. These are not going to be in exact order but I want to get through the more difficult posts first.
This year especially the Last few months have sure pushed me to my limits and almost breaking points. I have broken but not beyond repair. I truly do not think you can be the same again after some one has gone through so much, and everyone has their issues and trials they face. I have heard this phrase a lot this past 12 months: You can not go back to normal, but you do need to find away to move forward with the new normal. Good or Bad. You can not let life get you down, if you do then there is no point in trying to be happy. I have learned now more then ever that its up to you to set your mind to moving on and thinking positive. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. I have also learned you will still have your down moments and that is okay. Sometimes you need them to keep you sane. You cant grow yourself stronger by forgetting the pain and hardships you face. And as much pain as it can bring you never want to push back the memory of a lost loved one, or you'll lose the good memories you had as well.
This is definitely easier said then done. This past year I have gone through so many changes; Physically and Emotionally. Through the choices I have made as well as the unwanted choices that life brings. But each time I have made it through it, some taking longer then others. As I said I am broken. However I feel like I am being put back together slowly, just not the same as before. It will be 9 months from losing our Rachel Bug in 10 days, 1 month from losing my Aunt Nancy three days ago, and 2 months yesterday from losing a friend Skyler. Although the deaths were by far the hardest I have also had alot of other changes and issues to face durring my mourning. It felt like it was one thing after another after another, and all during the same time frame.
I felt like if life really knew how to push my limits. To be honest I barely hung on as it was and if it was not for my family and my great friends I could not have done so. I dont recall a time I have felt so discouraged and torn apart. I also want to Thank my Dad for being there for me and noticing when I was not doing so well. I would try my hardest to move on and be with family and not be by myself. However when I did go over I was awnry, I wouldnt talk, and at times I would go outside just to sit. He would follow me and give me a hug and sit there with me. He would let me break down and cry. I would tell him I am trying sooo hard and he would understand. He would say: "I know" "I know its not easy" and talk with me through it. This has ment the world to me. I do not think I have ever had such a great moment with my dad and we have had our ups and downs.
Death brings so many missed opportunities, remorse, grieving, new challanges, and lots of regret. I am better now and doing good. But I will never forget certain moments from the past. I constantly wake up from dreams mixed together of those I have lost. The words I wished I could have said, and remember the words I was able to say. The main one that I cant seem to forget is from Christmas. I was tired and sleeping on the couch at my parents. Dad was telling little Rachel to go pick on me and her exact words: "No, then she will be mad at me" My Exact Reply: "Rachel Bug, I could never be mad at you." For some reason those words are stuck with me. I catch myself saying them when I am by myself for no reason at all. Maybe I have lost my mind afterall. I have learned to accept what is and what can not be. I have learned you have to live the new normal and move on. Especially for those around you. One thing I am still having an issue with is not being able to take the pain away of my other loved ones who I am still with and going through so much. For all that they have lost. I know some are in much more pain then I have ever felt and that in itself breaks my heart. Angie and Brett for Losing a child and a sister, Grandpa a favorite granddaughter and then his daughter, My mom and aunts and uncles a sister they grew apart from and a very special niece, and my cousins for losing their mother all way to young. To them I give my whole heart and thoughts. I love them more then anything and would do anything I could for them.
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