My Girls and I (My cousins Ebony, Shayla, and Tanesha)
Robby and little Sister Shayla
Ebony and I (Cousin Jorgan in the background)
Mike, Robby, and Jason (Brothers)
Robert and Ashley
Uncle Aaron looking over Rachel Bug
My Uncle Stacy's little girls Reyna and Alyssa. Poor little Reyna was way distraught. She cried so much and kept saying how much she wished she could give aunt nancy a hug and that she did want them to put her in the ground. She would go give everyone hugs when she saw them sad. Alyssa and Reyna also helped me with my make up the morning of the funeral telling me where it goes and how to use it. They also helped them selfs ;)
Becky's littel Girl Charlie at dinner before I had to go home Tuesday.
Uncley Charles and his girls
Siblings and little Jasmine
Ashley saying her final goodbye
MaryJane and Jason
Robert and Ashley; Jeremy and Uncle Stacey
Robby putting his rose on the casket
Jason putting his rose on the casket
Aunt Angie watching over her sweet little girl Rachel Bug
My girls (Ebony and Shayla) were so excited to finally see where Rachel is burried and even more excited she was right by their mom.
My mommy putting a flower on the casket
Mike and his Girlfriend Becky; Uncley Charles, Ebony, Robert, Shayla, Ashley, Tanesha, Jason. (Mary Jane was comforting Jasmine)
Jason, Mary Jane, and Jasmine
The girls putting their roses on the casket
Mike and Mike
Becky and Charlie
Becky and Mike
Carter and cousin Talmage resting on Rachels bench
Charlie
Reyna and Uncle Aaron. Reyna spotted me and was waving hi
Uncley Charles and his Girls
Mike, Me, Ebony, Cousin Cory, Robert, Shayla, Tanesha, Jason, and little Jasmine
Jasmine comforting mommy
Becky and Mike
Mike putting his final rose on.
siblings
Graveside located in Starvalley Wyoming
Tanesha and I
Shayla and TaneshaAfter starting to put myself back together from losing a friend, (My Wyoming trip did help some) a month later I got a call and text from my cousins Tanesha and Ebony. (Monday, August 15th) I was late to work that day not feeling very well and using a half day. I was on my computer doing work emails and I missed Tanesha's call she didnt leave a message but shortly after I got a text from Ebony saying to please call her as soon as possible. They never call/text me so early and I have a very bad feeling about it. I attempted calling Tanesha back but got voicemail. I then dialed Ebony who said: "Mommy's gone." I dont remember her exact words after that, but I immediatly asked if she wanted me to come down and she said yes. I told her I would hurry and get ready and be on my way and be up there in about 2 hours. I called into work and let them know what was going on. Called my grandpa and let him know as well as called my mom (who was going on vacation for her anniversary to Lake Tahoe with my dad.) I was hoping to leave a message but caught her just as she was boarding the plane. I also contacted my brothers to see if they wanted to go up with me. Carter had to be at the house for carpet cleaners and Boe had work. I made it through getting ready and started on my trip. Then I broke down. I used to be close with Nancy and lately not so much. I have been so busy with life down here and getting through day by day. My trips were alot more limited due to budget and finances and the last trip I remember going up I didnt spend very much time with her. I did try to send her a message on facebook and text a little every now and then just to say I loved her but no response. I really hope she knew how much I did care for her. She made a comment to me once that I was more then a niece to her, and that it seemed I was more then cousins with her kids and I agree. They are more to me then cousins. The girls are like my little sisters and the boys my older brothers. I know if I ever needed anything I could count on them being there for me. I used to always talk to my friends about them and joke around to be nice or they would come kick their butts for me. I also balled for the pain my cousins are going to have to go through with losing their mom. I know how much they all loved her dearly. They are all way to young to lose a mother.
I hung out with the girls when I got there at Mikes girlfriends (Becky) house and then we went back to the girls apartment. They were very sad I had not seen it yet since they moved in. When Mike got back we all went out to dinner at Golden Corral. They had to show me the cotton candy and chocolate fountain it had. I left a little after dinner so I could go to work the next day but promised I would be back up as soon as possible. It turned out to be very bad timing since my boss was on vacation and then it turned out so was our HR contact. I couldnt get ahold of him to see if it was possible to "work from home" and work up in Logan during the day so I could be with the family afterwords at night with out all the drive and gas back and forth. I packed my bags just in case and my roommate offered to watch my dog for me the week while I was up in Logan. I left my boss a message that I was taking a half day on Wednesday so I could pick up my other Cousin Jason and his wife and little girl from the airport to take them to be with their siblings in Logan. I ended up being in Logan until past midnight that night and was outvoted to stay the night before heading back for work Thursday morning. I ended up sleeping for three hours and had Robby's dad who flew in wake me up at 5am to be back to work ontime at 7. I made it ontime after getting ready for work at work in the bathroom with a change of clothes. Thursday I slept all night so I could be ready for the long weekend coming up. From the driving back and forth, little sleep, crying my eyes out each time I was alone I was emotionaly and physically drained. But I felt like I needed to be strong and there for my cousins. I would never change this choice for the world. Its where I wanted to be. Friday I headed back up and was there through out the weekend, through the viewing on Sunday and funeral on monday. They had the viewing and service in Logan and then after lunch we went straight to the Grover Cemetary in Starvalley Wyoming for the graveyard service.
Tuesday was very difficult for me to leave but I knew I had to get back. I loved spending so much time with my cousins and my girls. It meant so much to me to be there for them, I wish I could have done more. I HATED going back and I miss them so desperatly again but I am trying to get back on track with bills before splurging to make it back up. However I am going to hopefully go back up either this next week or the second week in September. I did cry the whole time I went back and then again when I made it home. I had dinner that night with my family at my parents for my uncle Aaron over, which was nice. I just wish I wasnt so drained when I got back. My uncle Brett Thanked me for being there so much for my girls and always have and that ment alot to me as well.
The week seems like a blur. I had alot going on at home, work, regret, and spending time with my cousins. I loved being able to spend the hour and half drive talking with Jason who I havent seen in forever. (I missed his coming back to the US since my car was broke a few months back) Meeting his wife Mary Jane and adorable daughter Jasmine for the first time. Meeting Becky's little girl Charlie who is also adorable. I loved watching Mike with Charlie and really think he is going to be a great dad. (Having a little girl in December) Watching Charlie and Jasmine interact with each other. Our other cousin little Jeremy (My uncle stacy's boy) following Jasmine around everywhere to give her kisses. Jasmine helping me get ready a couple mornings talking to me and using a comb to make her hair pretty too. Watching/Listening to my girls practice their song for the funeral. Not to mention the time that Jasmine started to sing along. It made me teary to see it. She would watch the girls and start singing to the music and then you would hear her say: I can fly with the girls when it got to that part. Listening to my girls sing "I believe I can fly" at the funeral. I know their mom would be so proud of them. I balled yet again. Spending the time with Robert and Ashley in their home. Talking with everyone, and being all together. I felt so special with Ebony clinging on with me. I loved being there for her and know that she still knows how much I care even though I hadnt been able to be up as much this past year.
I spent the majority of my time with them that week. Even when the rest of my family came up, went to dinner after the viewing, and staying in Starvalley for the night after the graveside. I stayed with my cousins when they did their own thing and went back to Logan the same night. It was strange for me and at first I felt so torn. This is the first time being some where with my family and not spending and being with my mom and everyone else. But again not a choice I would make any differently. I cherished spending the time with my cousins. Dont get me wrong I was still very clingy with my mom. I called my brothers a few times durring the week to check up on them. And would be by my moms side any chance I got. I think they got sick of me that week, but I was scared to lose some one else as well. Just knowing my parents were on vacation and not home that week made me sick with worry. I know I was over acting but it was hard not to think what next and what could happen.
I know my cousins are all having a difficult time trying to get back into the new norm. Each has their other issues they are coping with as well and I know how much they are hurting. This is hard for me to watch. I dont know what to say to make it any better, I cant fix anything, and I cant take their hurt away. This kills me. They mean so much to me and I can only hope that it gets a little better with time even though I know you can never get over losing someone so close when you are so young.
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