A New Beginning: Christmas break and Sweet Rachel Bug

This is the hardest post for me however its the one update I do not feel like I should pass over as much as I have put it off. This is going to be a long post and mostly for my benefit. Every year our work has a mandatory shut down where we take a week off around Christmas. This year it ended up being a much needed time off. I do not know what I would have done if I had to work during that time. Christmas was great and fun, after work the Wednesday before I went over to my Aunt Angie's to hang out and spend some time together. She ended up needed to go to a doctors appointment so I watched my cousins: Sam and Rachel (7years and twins), James (4 years), and Gabe (Around 18 months?) It was difficult at first as I have not watched kids in a long time and I don't have much patience for anything but in the end I enjoyed it. We took lots of pictures together with my phone, listened to my music and danced together. Rachel was still a little tired from her Tonsil surgery a week or so back (I went to visit a few days after and the poor girl looked so tired and in pain. But she would give a little laugh.) however she was fun to be with and also had me read her lots of stories.

Rachel Bug

Rachel and I listening to Music

Sam being Silly

Gabe

Then on Christmas Eve that Friday I went and spent the night with my family. We hung out all night and watched movies and I had some Jaeger and Dr. Pepper. Yum! On Christmas we exchanged gifts and Angie and Brett and my moms friend Deb came over for Christmas brunch. After dinner I was so tired I took a nap on the couch. I remember little Rachel coming over and giving me hugs and she would sit on my dads lap on a chair across from the couch. Dad kept telling her to go pick on me and she would tell him "No, then she will be mad at me." I was half awake at this time and told her "Rachel I could never be mad at you." They left a bit later and I hung out and spent one more night before going home again in the morning.

Moms Christmas tree I helped decorate awhile back

On Monday my Grandpa brought my Grandma and Uncle Aaron down to see everyone. We had plans to all go out as a family on Tuesday evening at a restaurant with all of the families here in Salt Lake. However since Carter was going to be working the next day my parents did another dinner on Monday night at her house as well. It was a lot of fun however poor Rachel bug stayed home with her daddy because she wasn't feeling well enough. She had a migraine that was really bad and kept getting worse. Later that night they called and asked for my grandpa to go give her a blessing which he did.

Sam and Rachel

The next day is hard to go through for me. I can still feel the way I felt when it happened. I woke up around 8am needing to use the rest room. I was headed back to bed when I decided to check Facebook on my phone. One of the first status updates I see and read was from my Aunt Angie, it stated the following:

Angela Beyer
Just said goodbye to my little girl. We don't know what happened, and we don't know what we need. I love you Rachel!
December 28, 2010 at 8:34am via Android

I can not explain the pain and panic that set in as soon as reading this. I immediately called my mom and the only thing I can say is: "Tell me its not true" You could hear how tired she was when she responded in a quiet voice that it was and maybe I should come over and be with the family. With out getting ready I was out of the door. (Thank you Melissa for helping me so much that week with watching my dog while I was with family and then again in Wyoming.) Around 4am that morning Rachel had gotten worse with the migraine, throwing up, and very dizzy. They took her to the emergency room where she passed away. We hung out home most of the day just trying to keep busy. My grandparents and uncle Aaron said goodbye and headed over to be with Angie and Brett. I helped organize receipts and papers and then took both of my brothers to run errands and stopping at work to change my out of office. My sister Krystle was coming that night for the week to visit and she was there by the time we got back. Crappy timing for a visit :( Since Krystle had come down they decided we would still go out for dinner with her as our immediate family so we went to Applebee's. Mom talked to Angie and set it up for those of us who wanted to would go over there after dinner and help her get her house cleaned. shortly after we ordered dinner mom got a call from Angie stating that Sam is now showing the exact same signs as Rachel and they were taking him to the emergency room as well. (It was still unknown at this point what caused Rachels passing. We found out later that Rachel had gotten the streptococcus pneumonia and because she had such a small spleen it could not fight off the bacteria. The poor girl was infected everywhere in her little body and in so much pain from what I heard.) Mom told her to get some one to watch the kids and we would be there as soon as possible to take over. After dinner we headed over to watch James and Gabe and clean house. When we were almost done I happened to glance out front and saw a few neighbors had gathered and started to put paper bags with candles around the yard. I pointed it out to my mom who asked that they not light the candles as no one was going to be home that night. Mom took James and Gabe home with her and Angie spent the night there. I believe it was 24 hours after being admitted Sam was released and was better in no time. I can say how stressed and worried my family was while he was in there and not knowing. There is no way we could have lost him as well.

The rest of the week is a little blurred together. I hung out with the family 90% of the time. Wednesday night I had planned a hang out with Krystle and a couple of friends. I at first canceled when I received the news about Rachel however my mom stated I should still keep going and it may help to stay busy. Krystle ended up not coming that night but the rest of my friends and I hung out at our apartment and clubhouse. I ended up drinking way too much and got sick. Thursday I was in bed all day and night except for the few Bathroom runs. Friday during the day was spent with family and on that night for New Years Melissa and I went to Wendover on the Fun bus. That night was really fun and helped get my mind off of things.

Boe holding Gabe Wednesday while babysitting

Wednesday Night

Saturday our power and water went out at our apartments which meant no heat. So Spritz and I spent the night at my parents. Sunday the family started to arrive. I finally got to meet my sweet little Jade since she was born and see my Aunt Amber and her family that I have not seen in years! Both my Uncle Eric, Aunt Amber and their families as well as I stayed at my moms. My Uncle Shawn, his family, Grandparents, and Uncle Aaron stayed at my Aunt Linda's up the street. We all spent time together until it was time for the family viewing that night. The funeral home was very pretty and they had it decorated like a little fairy tale and Rachel as our little sleeping beauty. It was a hard decision for me to decide if I really wanted to see her like this but once I got there I am glad I did. She was dressed so beautifully with her hair in curls and a white dress and of course her purple glasses.

Monday we had the service in Kearns and then all of us headed to Starvalley Wyoming for the graveside the next day. After the graveside service in Wyoming we came home to get ready for work the next day. A few of the things I know spending time with the family has made the week a little more bearable and I have done pretty good at moving on although every now and then I have an off day and have a hard time. It helps being with the family and spending time with Angie and Brett. Its been harder then most funerals (and I had three hard funerals the first was my father when I was about 11-12, and the second was my Grandma Helm who I was very very close to) and I think part of it is because she was so young compared to most of the funerals I have been too. 7 Years old is not old enough to live your life. There is so much more to live to achieve and experience. I hated how it had to be Angie and Brett that had to go through this. They have already been through so much and are the nicest and sweetest couple I know. I know I can always count on Angie to be there for me through everything. I wished there was more I could do to ease their pain but I cant imagine there is anything that can ease the pain of loosing a child. It was also hard because I was filled with regret. I had wished I went over a lot more then I did. I had started to finally go visit more often and spend time with them again and now its gone. It has helped talking with Angie through it and I am definitely not going to miss out with the rest of my cousins. James even gives me hugs now and will tell me he loves me. ;) I am pretty sure my little cousins are what carried me through the weekend. Lots of hugs and loves. Especially Lizzy who fell asleep cuddled in my lap (Which made me cry) and would protect me from my crazy uncles who wanted to pick on me, Jade and her hugs, shaking her head no to her momma because she wanted to stay with me, and her kissing copper (Which also made me cry as this was something Rachel did) and little Ethan who would come up to me randomly that weekend and give me big hugs and tell me he loved me.

Mom holding Jade

Amber and I

Jade, Lizzy, and I

Lizzy and Jade

Carter holding Jade

I will miss our little angel very much and the time I was able to spend with her. Especially her loves, the way she would help out her mom and take care of her little brothers, being her daddy's little girl, the times we took them to Disney on Ice and how excited she was to see the princesses, and taking them to the circus with Angie. Nothing can replace those moments and there are so many more.

Goodbye for now our sweet girl,

we love you so very much!